Tabitha Oyewole

I hope that by the time I finish writing this, a title will have come to me. Before diving into what has been on my mind these past few months, I have to say—I never imagined that staring at my blog would bring me so much joy. Writing, it turns out, is an underrated form of therapy. By the way, I recently heard that “delve” is one of those words generative AI tools use a lot. It’s funny because back before AI became a thing, it was one of the “big” words that freelance academic writers like me from Nigeria loved to throw around.

So, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately… as I should, right?

If you asked me last year what my plans for future relationships were, I would have told you how I would probably be cold toward men, guard my heart, and not love as deeply as I once did. Maybe even hurt anyone who came my way, as payback for the pain men caused me. I remember one almost-relationship telling me they did not like how I outdid their love—how my efforts made them feel inadequate. That really stuck with me. It made me think I had to hold back, to avoid overwhelming anyone else in the future with too much love, or making them feel like they were not doing enough.

But this summer, I could not stop thinking about how much I still wanted to love and be vulnerable again, despite everything. Sure, I’ve had a couple of heartbreaks—the last one shattered me because I had been completely vulnerable and made significant plans with that person, almost putting them at the center of my big decisions. (Side note: maybe this is why Christianity teaches putting Jesus at the center of everything. He never lets you down.) I’ve seen marriages fall apart, watched people get deeply hurt, seen countless relationships fail, and yet, I still want to love again.

I always knew I would date again after that last heartbreak. I wasn’t about hating men or swearing off relationships forever. However, my plan was to hold back—to not give as much, to stay emotionally detached, to protect myself. I wasn’t going to buy gifts, make sacrifices, or go out of my way to make someone else happy. I thought I would only give a fraction of my love so that when they left, it wouldn’t hurt as much.

But after a lot of reflection and prayer this summer, I’ve realized that’s not who I am. I don’t know how to be in a relationship and not give 100%. If I can’t give my all, I would rather stay single. I’ve made up my mind: I’m going to love fully, no matter what. Whoever I choose to love next will get all of me again. It doesn’t matter if they live far away; I will still empty my bank account to visit them. I will still buy gifts just because I thought they would like something. I will still write long messages pouring my heart out. I will still spend hours in the kitchen cooking their favorite meals. I will give them my time. And yes, I will still be “stupidly in love” because, let’s be real—you can’t love with your brain fully intact. I will love with my heart, not my head.

And if—when—they hurt me again? I will cry, pray, lean on my best friend, heal, and do it all over again. Because I believe that someone, someday, will appreciate my love. And when they do, I will love them even better than the last time, because I’m competitive like that—with myself.

One thing I’ve come to realize is that the right man is out there. Someone who will appreciate how deeply I love, respect it, and reciprocate. I just know there’s someone who’s just like me—intentional, willing to give 100%, and ready to be my best friend (sorry to my current one). I don’t care how long it takes, but I’ll search the whole world to find you. And when I do, I’m never holding back.

Now, I need a title. Let’s try this: Unapologetically choosing to love fully, again.